“Oh and a reminder. The winter ball is only one month away. For some of you, this will be your social debut and so, I hope you are taking it seriously. But also remember to enjoy yourselves! It will be an experience you won’t forget.”
Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead. I sat in the library, late in the afternoon, marking one of my practise exam papers but I had been blankly staring at one of my answers for a while now.
I threw my head back and shouted “Argh, I can’t concentrate!”
“Neither can I with the racket you’re making”, Emily looked up from her own practise paper and asked, “What’s wrong, David? You’ve been distracted all day. There’s only a couple of days until the exam.” She sat opposite me in the receding sunlight while I sat beneath the shadow of one of the library pillars.
I took in a deep breath. “I… totally forgot about the ball”, I admitted.
Emily set her practise paper aside and said, “I’m not surprised, it doesn’t seem like an event you would be thrilled about.”
“My head’s been filled with the final exams.” We had holed ourselves in the library every day, for the past few weeks, enduring the cold winter air that filled the building, only leaving for the cafeteria and our exams.
Emily laughed and shook her head. “Only you would forget about the ball. You’re lucky that everyone’s been busy with the final exams as well or there’s no way you would be able to find a date”.
What am I going to do? I hardly know anyone. How can I ask someone to the ball? I hardly have friends to begin with. Those thoughts raced through my mind.
Could you go with me? The words were caught in my throat. Despite the cold winter air, I felt the sweat on my forehead redouble.
“What am I going to do? I don’t know who to ask”, I said instead, cradling my head in my hand and hiding my sweat.
“Don’t worry, you’ve got me, right? I’ll set you up with one of my friends”, Emily assured. Suddenly, Emily’s eyes lit up and she clapped her hands together. “Ooh, I know! What about Anna? She’s sweet and you’d be a cute pair as well”.
I lifted my head out of my hand and Emily tilted her head, her eyes tracing the sweat on my forehead. “Wait, are you sweating? Are you ok, David?”.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” I replied quickly, feeling my cheeks flush red. “Who are you going with?” I asked.
“Oh, I’m thinking of asking Matt Kalers, know him?” Emily said.
I nodded.
“We take a few classes together and he’s really nice,” she said.
“You aren’t taking a friend?”
“I was thinking about it but, don’t you think it would be more fun to go with someone new?”
“Sometimes it feels like we were born on different planets,” I said, shaking my head.
“Well, not everyone can be as unique as you, David,” Emily said, rolling her eyes.
Great, Emily already has plans as well. Well that’s that.
Ok, worry about the finals and then I can stress about what’s happening with the ball.
Why couldn’t I say a word? I laid in bed with a book in my hand, lost in thought. My eyes followed the words on the page but stray thoughts kept me repeating the same sections over and over. A candle lit the room, with its small, flickering flame dimly illuminating the pages.
Earlier that day, Emily had introduced me to my potential date, Anna. It had started off well enough with the usual social dance of greetings and small talk but then it was like Emily and Anna had wandered off into another world. I remembered waiting for the chance to chime in, to contribute, to say anything but I couldn’t. They were experts dancing to the tune of a song I couldn’t hear and so I was left slowly finishing my meal as I quietly listened to them. Before I knew it, we had finished up and I had hardly said a word to Anna the entire time.
This is a waste of time. I set aside my book and blew out the candle, blanketing my room in darkness. I wrapped myself in my blanket and closed my eyes. Trying to empty my mind was futile and before long, stray memories would send me spiralling down the same endless threads of thought again and again. The winter air chilled my room but my treacherous thoughts had lit a spark and now my skin was burning.
I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I didn’t say anything. I just kept nodding beside them like an idiot. What am I going to do? I can hardly hold a conversation with Anna, let alone go to the ball with her.
Sweat trickled down my legs and so I threw aside my heavy blanket and rolled to face the other side of the room. When I opened my eyes the darkness still encased me as wholly as when I had them closed. My chest felt so hollow. I felt so alone.
Why do I have to go to the ball? I furiously scratched my head. This would be the first event where I would be interacting with many of my seniors, the first impression that I would be leaving on the larger social scene. It was terrifying. The thought of having to navigate my way around a sea of new faces made my heart sink and my breath short.
I wish I could go with someone I knew. Someone I could trust. Someone that could help me before I make a fool of myself.
I should ask Emily to go with me. What am I so afraid of? That she’ll say no?
Why am I such a coward?
I hardly slept that night.
Emily and I sat at our usual cafe. For once, it looked like the sky would be clear and we were lucky to be seated next to the window with the sunlight. We had finally managed to catch up for lunch for the first time since she had introduced me to Anna.
“Hey, I noticed afterwards that you weren’t talking much,” Emily said gently, “I’m sorry, I should’ve tried including you more in our conversation.”
She had noticed. “No, no it’s ok, it was my fault,” I replied. My throat felt tight.
“Will you be ok, going with Anna? She’s genuinely one of the nicest girls I know.” she said. “What if I organise something that you and Anna can do together, so that you get the chance to talk to her more?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I feel like I would be taking advantage of you if I kept asking for your help,” I said, looking outside. I couldn’t meet her eyes. “Anna seems like a really nice girl, so I’m sure everything will be alright.”
What am I saying? The lump in my throat had grown so heavy.
The waiter arrived with our food, filling me with a surge of relief, and I was able to shift our conversation to other, easier topics.
Soon, our meal was almost over and I felt conscious of the time. We would need to go to class soon.
I can’t do it. I need someone I can trust. I need to ask Emily. There aren’t many days left. I hung my head, staring at the table between us. For a few moments, I paused and let the feeling of the sun’s warmth sink in. It felt so nice. Maybe I just want to feel warm.
“I’m sorry, Emily”, I said, meeting her eyes.
“Haha, what did you do this time? Alright, confess I’m all ears”, Emily said with a smile dancing across her lips.
I didn’t return her smile and instead took in a deep breath.
“Oh, you’re serious,” she said, pausing and setting down her cutlery.
“Actually, I… I want to go to the ball with you. To be honest, I’m scared. I’m really scared. I need someone who I know has my back.” I was burning alive. My cheeks were flushed and my back was suddenly dripping with sweat. “Can you please go to the ball with me?” I pushed the words through the tight tunnel of my throat before it became any harder.
For a few seconds, silence hung between us. I was acutely aware of the beating of my heart, the way that Emily’s lips were slightly parted and how her eyes were wide open.
“I’m sorry, David”. My heart sunk.
“I didn’t realise how worried you were,” Emily said, “of course I can go to the ball with you.”
“Wait, really? Are you serious? What about Matt?” I asked. Like I fool, my heart was now filled enough to burst.
“Who cares about Matt? We’re talking about you here. And of course, I’m serious. You’re my friend, David. You mean a lot to me. I’m not going to leave you stranded”. She paused.
“Especially not with the ugly face you’re pulling right now,” Emily said with a wry smile.
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. With each laugh, the tension in my shoulders faded.
“Thank you,” I said, “this means a lot to me.”
While I could still feel the heat of my cheeks and the sweat on my back, my skin no longer burned. The sun feels so nice.
I fidgeted with my pocket square, ensuring that it wasn’t tucked in too deeply. I wore a dark navy coat outlined with a thread of light blue.
“It looks fine, leave it alone”, Emily said as she slapped away my hand. She was dressed in a bright blue dress that glittered beneath the moonlight and reached towards the path leading to the exhibition hall.
We had elected to arrive later so that we wouldn’t have to contend with the bulk of the student body but it seemed that quite a few people were arriving late as well. After leaving our carriage, we had been swept up by the crowd of students heading to the ball, each dressed in a myriad of dresses and suits. Already the number of people and sounds of the conversations around us was dizzying and I focussed my attention on my small world. My attire, Emily and the path leading onwards.
“I can’t help it. It looks crooked but no matter how much I adjust it, it never seems to look quite right,” I said.
“Here.” Emily held out her arm.
I paused, my brain puzzling out her gesture.
She saw my furrowed face and sighed. She grabbed my hand, hooking my arm into hers.
“You’re such an idiot sometimes,” Emily said, facing forward and leading us through the meandering crowd.
“Hey! I…”, I started, “you’re right. I am an idiot.” I covered my face with my free hand.
“It’s ok, I already knew that to begin with,” she said with a soft laugh.
It was still early in the evening but the stark absence of the sun reminded me of how swiftly the night fell in winter. A steady breeze followed the path, leaving me shivering more times than I would have liked, though Emily seemed immune to the cold. She bounced with each step, pulling me forward even though I had the longer stride. Her eyes flickered everywhere, fascinated by a foreign dress, the way that the path glowed with the light of the flowers lining it, and the hall that lit up the night.
Before long, we stood before the grand doors of the ball. Twin serpentine dragons captured in marble guarded the doors. Emily immediately gravitated towards the statues, her hands tracing the finely detailed scales covering their bodies.
I took in a deep breath and clenched my hands in front of me. This was it, my chance to impress the world. It was also a rare opportunity to meet so many of our seniors, especially those who had started looking at their careers.
Emily wandered back beside me and placed her hand on my shoulder, giving me a charming smile. “Don’t worry, you’re going to be fine.” She held out her arm once more and I locked my arm with hers, replying with a simple nod. In the winter night, I keenly felt the warmth of her arm. Together we stepped through the doors and I let the loud music and voices finally wash over me.
Hopefully, this will be a night to remember.